Before, during, and after the game...I have to poop.

At least I know how Joe Pa feels.  I have to poop.  "So go poop," one might say.  Well, I'm out of toilet paper and have been since I discovered I was out Thursday evening.  Yeah, I know it's now Sunday evening.  Yes, I was planning on running to the Bi-Lo to buy some more but I've been busy.  Too busy to poop?  Yes.

Thursday, I went to the Bi-Lo to buy ingredients for the chili I was going to make for the end of the year teacher get together (and see how drunk you can possibly get) gathering.  I had forgotten I was out of toilet paper and so I didn't pick up any while I was there.  It wasn't until the evening when I was searching for another roll did I discover the cupboard bear and decided it would not be a good idea to have a poop.  The chances of it being a no wipe were slim.

Friday, I went to school and I make it a point to not poop at school.  I did take my crockpot of chili in to slow cook while I encouraged my students to not fail by doing missing work and retaking tests.  After school, I took my chili to the gathering and fulfilled my desire to have a chili cheese burger.  The people that tried my chili liked it.  However, someone else had brought chili and their chili was set out and mine was used for backup purposes.  Basically, I took most of it home with me.  That was okay because the only reason I made chili was because I wanted chili and I've been eating it all weekend.  Probably not the best idea since I don't have toilet paper.  A colleague and I left because the party got lame and we went and saw Terminator Salvation.  I enjoyed it.  I love massive robots causing destruction on a massive scale (I've got to take a massive poop).  I got home late and went to bed because I was tired.

I really don't like these teacher gatherings.  I'm usually the youngest person there.  My interests are very different from everybody else.  I don't have children (except the Cosby kids that need to be dropped off at the pool) to talk about and I don't care about anybody elses children.  It is very boring conversation and I wish to take no part in it.  The only thing to do is drink.  So I'd be the guy in the corner drinking heavily who nobody talks to who wakes up passed out in the yard without pants.  I only went because I was hungry and I was going to see a movie afterwards (I should've stolen their toilet paper).

Saturday, I played video games and simply did not want to leave the house for any reason.  Not even for toilet paper.

Sunday, I've been playing video games and have finally decided to make a toilet paper run.  Then I can poop.

Oh, you should get out more.  Yeah, maybe I should except I really don't care for this place and or state.  Besides, it's either video games or go Columbine on the children (too soon?).

Thought of the day: "The groundhog pokes its head out of the hole and sees no toilet paper...."

God of EOC Testing

That is now my official title given to me by the humans who worship me.  When one speaks to me one should use the title at the beginning of the statement/question/etc.  For example, "God of EOC Testing, how was your weekend?"  Don't feel like such a failure when I reply, "Away from me mere mortal, thou art cramping my style."  Go ahead and practice it.  Say it with me, "God of EOC Testing."  Good, but try it in a more regal sounding voice, "God of EOC Testing."  Closer, but it's going to take alot more practice because you are kind of slow.  "God of EOC Testing, I am kind of slow."  Yes, true that.

I got more students' EOC scores back today and I improved on my 76% last year.  I'm now sitting pretty at 80%.  It's a marginal gain but improvement is improvement and since it just happens to be the best passing rate (71% and something worse) among the algebra teachers (no matter the level) who I have compared scores with I feel pretty good.  I almost want to ask, "How does it feel to have a second year teacher do better than you?  In your face (bitches)."  But I shouldn't gloat (too much).  I still have alot to learn and as long as I have students who don't pass then there is still work to be done.  I am going to enjoy this moment.  Yeah, it was a good moment.  One more time, oh yeah, great moment.  This is going to carry me through the rest of the year.

In other news, the insurance man finally got around to awarding me some money for the accident that occured last Thanksgiving.  I will be receiving $1750.  I am greatly pleased.  My Kelley Blue Book value was $1500 to $2000 depending if excellent or good condition.  That will cover car payments and insurance over the summer with a little left over.  Wonderful.

Thought of the day: "My passing rate could have been higher if the four kids who earned 68s and 69s had gotten one or two questions right and several other kids had failed the first semester but didn't because of the minimum 60 (therefore they would never have taken and failed the EOC)."

Post EOC Ragings

Imagine you study for your learner's permit.  You show up and you are told to put the car engine together.  Is that fair?

You go to a conference where the person in charge of assessment for the entire state tells you three things that will not be on the EOC, because those things are not in our standards, you would tend to believe this person.  We were told there will not be any two variable inequality graphing questions among other things.  Fast forward to now and as I'm walking around the room monitoring like I'm supposed to be, I see a two variable inequality graphing question.  It is hard to miss because the question and its answer choices took up the entire page.  I almost picked up the phone and called the person in charge of assessment for the entire state and might have said some very unprofessional things.  Things like, "You stupid fucking retarded bitch.", or, "How dare you stand in front of me and then lie you stupid fucking retarded incompetent bitch.", and my personal favorite, "I will hunt you down for being such a stupid fucking retarded incompetent bitch, lying, and not being able to hire a company that can write a test aligned to the standards."

Then I realized I would be fired, lose my license, and go to jail, not for saying those things, but for looking at the test.  For some reason, it's a secret.  There are no old versions to look at.  There are no guides provided by the educational department.  I can't look through the test while the students are taking it.  I can't discuss the test with them afterwards.  Yes, those bad things will happen.  They were in print and I had to sign it.  I don't want to go to jail... I"m too pretty.  I don't want to be somebody's "bitch".  I've seen Prison Break.  But what can you do when you realize there are other questions that don't align with our standards?  What can you do when you realize that at least 20% of the test doesn't align with our standards?  Its not fair to these kids who have worked hard all year to prepare for this to be tested on stuff they don't know.  Especially when this test counts 20% of their grade.  It's not fair to me.  My name is attached to these scores.  I worked hard to cover the standards and then to ask questions that are not from our standards is not fair.  You've turned an achievement test into an aptitude test.  Who created this test and how much money was paid?  I could have created a test aligned to the standards for the same amount.

 I suppose in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter and I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.  Especially, when you learn Monday that a colleague learned Friday she has breast cancer and is having her left breast removed Wednesday along with chemotherapy in the coming weeks.  The good news is the cancer seemed to be contained to one breast and three lymph nodes and no where else and the operation went well.

Today, I gave my first block class an opportunity to retake an old test.  Seven students took that opportunity.  I caught one of them cheating.  She had another student's test and was trying to hide it under her test.  I took both, balled them up, and through them away.  I turned to her and simply said, "Don't bother coming to retake this test.  You can simply take the zero."  I was furious.  I was shaking with rage.  Literally, I was shaking.  I had to close my eyes and count to ten.  That's one of the things I cannot stand.  Here I am giving you a chance to retake a test and instead of studying and doing the review sheet you decide to cheat while the other students are trying.  You stupid bitch, I hope you fail.  I hope you fail and we have a parent teacher conference so I can say, "She failed because she decided to cheat," and then walk out of the room.  I'd rather have a student tell me, "I didn't study for this and I'm going to do poorly on this.  May I take the test at another time?"  I hate cheaters.  I didn't cheat when I was going through school and you bet I'm proud to be able to say that.  I remember my seventh grade science teacher bringing me up to his desk and asking me if I cheated on a test.  I felt so offended and shamed that he would even think that of me.  That I would have to resort to cheating.  I guess he saw that because he took back the accusation.  I know it goes on and that it's a fact of high school life but that doesn't mean I have to accept it.

Mentally, I've already checked out.  I'm done with these children.

I got an email from the local university's liaison for student teachers.  Apparently, they emailed the department head and she gave them my name to have and train a student teacher for next year.  Me, I'm just finishing up my second year and will going into my third year of teaching.  There are other teachers with more years of experience...but, I guess I'm the only competent one.  Yeah, my ego increased by a factor of 10.  Apparently, I've mastered teaching.  I am a god among mere mortals.

Thought of the day: "Ring...ring...ring...State assessment person, how may I help you?"

"You are a waste of space you stupid fucking incompetent bitch."

"Who is this and how did you know?"

EOC D-Day...

I have taught my students all I know about the ways of the algebra and now it is time to test their mettle on the paper battle field.  Armed with little more than a pencil, TI-84 graphing calculator, 6 in paper ruler, and a piece of grid paper they must do battle with 50+ multiple choice enemy questions.  Show no mercy because none will be shown to you.

The only thing left to do is pray for divine intervention.  And yes, I've already done that.  I even went out to Sam's Club, along with a teacher who happened to be a member (because they won't let me in), and purchased Pop-Tarts and bottles of juice to give them energy as they do battle with equations and lines.  Anything to give them an edge.

Oh, today is Mother's Day.  Happy mother's day mom.  Yes, I am the good son.

I enjoyed Star Trek.

Thought of the day: "Lord, give them clarity of mind, give them strength, give them clear memories, and Lord, if all else fails, give them the answers.  Amen."

Snooze and you lose...

I remember hitting the snooze button at 6:02am.  The next thing I remember I'm looking for the inside water meter in my current residence.  Some people might call it a dream but it was more like a nightmare because I'm still not able to find it.  While I'm looking I'm being annoyed by this constant beeping sound.  It goes on and on and I'm wondering why it won't stop.  Then I wake up and realize it is now 7:00am and I've been snoozing for just about an hour.  Good thing: I wasn't late for work.  Bad thing: I smelled because I didn't have time for my morning shower.  I must have been pretty tired.  This usually only happens once, twice, maybe even thrice times a year.

Today, I was told I am in excellent teacher by a parent during an IEP meeting.  I like to think I am.  In the mean time, I have another parent who apparently expects weekly progress reports on their child when all they really have to do is sign up for a free online service that allows parents to see exactly how their child is doing.  Essentially, when I put in grades into the computer grading program (which I do weekly) it updates the site so that parents can see every assignment, quiz, test, project, and the corresponding grade along with the class grade.  Yesterday, interims went out and this particular parent's child earned a 60 because of two low test grades.  I was emailed by the parent who reminded me about the expected weekly progress report (but who didn't exactly proof read the email so it actually said, "I have received a weekly progress report recently." I got a kick out of this.) and was wondering about the 60 and what can we do.  In under two weeks my students will be taking their end of course test which is worth 20% of their final grade.  This is more important right now.  After this test I will work with this student and all the other students to make sure their grade is where they want it to be.  I said this with a little more explanation and very politely without sarcasm.  About an hour later I get a call from administration talking about how this parent just called and is inflamed and is talking about calling the district and blah blah blah.  I explained that I already sent an email and then explained what was in the email.  I was then asked to send another email explaining to explain to the parent how they can get a hold of me.  I did this and forwarded my responses to administration.

This parent has been on my back since school began.  Listen, sign up for the service that allows you to look at the grades.  Then you don't have to bitch at me to send home a progress report because if I do it for your child why not do it for all 120 I work with on a regular basis (which I do).  Also, I've spent tons of money to become a teacher.  I think that gives me perspective.  I have a plan to make sure your child passes along with everyone else.  Once this 20% of the final grade test is over I'll make sure your child has every opportunity to do better on the two tests using the retake policy which has been in place for the entire year (which I might add the child in question has yet to take advantage of).  Please don't get bent out of shape at the interim grades which don't mean anything.  The good new is your child will pass no matter what because of the minimum grade of 60% percent policy (providing the child passes the EOC with at least a 55%).

You know what, go ahead and call the district.  I really don't care.  My 76% EOC passing rate (with algebra classes populated by black males, who have the lowest percentage passing rate) which was the best at the school except for the the honors algebra class teacher who had a 92% passing rate (a class populated by the white folk) and easily beat the state average says you can go FUCK yourself.  It would seem to me that a district concerned with test scores and graduation rates won't fire someone over a moronic parent phone call who has that nice of an EOC passing rate.  Then again, I could be totally wrong.  If so, so be it.  I'm totally okay with being fired or asked to resign.  This makes me effective and dangerous.  You see, I actually care what is best for the child and I believe that my students can do GREAT things.  Some people don't.  Perhaps you can replace me with one of those people who keeps your child in the retard track instead of advancing them.  Do what you want.

Oops... did I say a dirty word.  I'll send myself out into the hall for using potty talk.

Thought of the day: "Do you know why you're here? Because you got kicked out of the other algebra part B class and I'm the only other teacher that teaches this."  "Man, I don't give a fuck."  "I know you don't but don't bother coming back."