PSA: Santa Claus = Child Molester

I have terrible news everyone... Santa Claus is a child molester. I was just as shocked as you are right now to learn this most terrible truth. Why didn't someone see this sooner? It seems like all the evidence was right there staring everyone in the face but nobody wants to or is willing to do anything about it. I've decided to do something about it. I am going to make a stand for all the children who have been victimized by this monster. Let us begin.

1. Everyone knows Santa lives on the North Pole. FACT: Sexual predators must notify neighbors of being a sexual predator.

2. Santa knows when you have been "naughty" or "nice". FACT: A peeping tom would know if you've been "naughty" or "nice" and would probably have cameras all over to record this information.

3. Children sit on Santa's lap and tell him what they want for Christmas. FACT: Child molesters like small children and especially like physical contact with children.

4. Santa brings good children toys. FACT: Child molesters use toys to lure children and to make children do what they want by only giving "good" children (children that do what they say) the toys.

5. Santa comes to your house at night, comes downs the chimney, delivers the toys, and eats the cookies and milk. FACT: Child molesters will use the cover of darkness to enter the child's house and child molesters use treats to lure children into their vans.

6. Santa is a jolly old elf. FACT: Most child molesters are happy.

I could go on and on but there is no need to. The facts speak for themselves. Santa Claus is the world's most notorious child molester and yet parents keep handing over their children to be molested by this monster. For shame... for shame.

My next PSA will explain why the Easter Bunny should be charged for crimes against humanity.

Good night.

Thought of the day: "Santa, I want a fire truck and a .... blah blah blah blah.... (Ho ho ho... I know what I want for Christmas little child)"

A Christmas Defeat...

Apparently, a light and sound show extravaganza Christmas tree isn't good enough to win a Christmas tree decorating contest. Yes, the LEDs blinked in time with the music and yes, the Christmas disco music was most appropriate and awesome. It was by all accounts... amazing. So, what tree defeated my tree? A tree decorated with trash. I kid you not... trash. Trash of the redneck variety making it a redneck tree of sorts and garnering the most redneck applause. You see, that's how everything was judged. The loudest cheering/clapping/banging on table wins. It was no longer a Christmas tree decorating contest but a lets see who can make the most noise at the appropriate time contest. I don't win very many of those contests (unless I bring my air horn... I probably should have brought my air horn). I felt the trees should have been judged on a clearly defined rubric of sorts detailing several categories by which the trees could garner points and the tree with the most points would win. If you wanted audience participation a simple ballet could have been used and factored into the clearly defined rubric in some type of percentage situation. But alast, making the loudest noise is how they wanted to do things. They even used a decibal meter. However, where one places the decibal meter is another problem. Too close to one group and too far away from another and you end up with skewed results. 1000 people screaming 100 yards away will be topped by 1 person screaming 1 yard away. A serious flaw if your trying to figure out what the majority likes.

Next year I will decorate the tree with shit and bring 1000 people or 8 people with air horns.

I left after the judging to play Gears of War 3. A better use of my time.

Skyrim continues to amaze me.

Thought of the day: "Imagine if the president was elected by who gets the most noise..."

Christmas music...

Yes, I'm currently listening to Christmas music. Trust me, one has not listened to Christmas music until one has discovered disco Christmas music. Yeah, that's right... disco. At first, I was like, "This stuff is horrible." But I kept listening to it and now, "This is the most amazing Christmas music I've ever heard." Why has someone not introduced this stuff to me? I had to find this out on my own at 12:15am today after doing a search for "disco Christmas music." Thank you Google; you've made my holiday season infinitely more enjoyable. Perhaps I should put that in mathematical terminology because I don't think you understand how much I'm enjoying this. The limit, as I approach holiday season, of disco Christmas music is infinitely more enjoyable. Ahh, now we are on the same page. No... hmmm... let's see... nope, nothing else for you. If you don't understand by now, I cannot help you.

Thought of the day: "Disco Stu would love this."

Why I won't be watching the BCS title game...

Oh goody. A rematch between Alabama and LSU. Why would I want to watch that shit again? I didn't watch it the first time. It ended in a 6-6 tie and was won in overtime by a field goal. So exciting. That last part should be read with as much sarcasm as possible. Bowl games are about the match ups; pitting two teams against each other that you would almost never see. We've seen Alabama and LSU because they are in the same conference. Well that completely goes against what I want to see. I mean you are going to put a team in the national championship game that didn't even when their division much less their league. Come on... really. Think back to OSU and Michigan in 2007 when we were ranked number 1 and beat Michigan who was ranked number 2. The argument could have been made it was so close that those teams should play in the championship game. I didn't want that and I'm a diehard B1G fan. It so happened we were crushed by Florida so the whole ranking system seems kind of silly when put in that light. Oklahoma St. is ranked third and they might crush LSU. But we'll never get to see that game because everyone wants to see a rerun. I hate reruns.

That's why I hope Georgia beats LSU in the SEC championship game. LSU drops and no more rerun. I can only hope that happens. It probably won't but I've seen stranger things happen.

In other news... Skyrim is the best game I have ever played. I'm nearly 100 hours in and I haven't even visited all the cities yet. I haven't even bothered to really do the main quest storyline at all. I keep getting sidetracked. I'll be doing a mission and then see something interesting and go and explore that. I'll pick up so much loot I have to go back to town to sell it all and keep the really cool pieces. While in town I'll get some other mission and that one sounds interesting so I'll start off on that one and get sidetracked again. It's a vicious cycle. I'm level 52. My enchanting, smithing, and heavy armor skills are at 100. I love being able to make awesome Daedra armor and then double enchant it with different skills. Yes, I said double enchant. My armor rating is close to 1200. My mace does 270 points of damage plus fire and frost damage (double enchanting baby). My bow does 240 points of damage plus fire and frost damage. Dragons and magic users don't scare me. Oh no, fire magic. Let me slip on my necklace and ring and negate nearly 100% of that damage. Dragons are more of a nuisance then difficult anymore. More like flies that get swatted out of the sky and then balled up in toilet paper and flushed down the toilet. I am akin to a M-1 Abrams tank. Yet, I am so very sneaky when I want to be. Float like butterfly and it stings like when I pee... err... sting like a bee. I love sneaking around a corner and seeing a bandit or ice wizard sitting at a table enjoying dinner and then shooting them with an arrow. 3x damage and they ain't getting up again. Bazinga. Skyrim is amazing.

If you made it through that last paragraph... good for you. If you didn't a quick recap might be in order. Skyrim is awesome and I waxed very poetically about it.

In other news, it's nice not having to go the library every time I feel the need to update. Bazinga.

My cousin would be proud of me. I played with high voltage and didn't die and didn't ruin anything. Well, not really high voltage but I had the chance of ruining equipment if things went bad. The setup: there might be a Christmas tree decorating contest and the group thought it would be cool if we could somehow sync lights with music. I looked online and it is expensive to do that. Especially when first place is a pizza party. Then I stumbled upon a video of some guy wiring an LED light to a computer speaker so that it flashed with the rhythm of the music. It looked pretty sweet. Plus, it made sense. After all, to get sound you run current and to get a light to come on it needs current as well. One of the comments asked about attaching more than one LED light and the response was you could because LEDs use less current (or something). So... I went to Wal-Mart and got me a string of 30 LEDs and attached them to the base speaker that I got from my cousin (who for some reason won't let me play with damn high voltage shit). I put in my disco dance cd and wouldn't you believe... the lights were flashing in time with the music. Interesting note: as I turned up the volume the lights blinked brighter and brighter until the blue and green lights exploded in a puff of smoke and burnt plastic smell. Too much current ran through it. So it can be done and for cheap provided you don't put too much current through it. I was pretty proud of myself. Now I am the master of Christmas tree decorating.

Thought of the day: "Your Christmas tree lights don't flash to music. Oh yeah, our Christmas tree doesn't smell like burnt plastic and it isn't on fire. So what if I like my Christmas music louder. It attracts the attention away from the KKKish burning Christmas tree."

Second thought of the day: "Rocking around, the burning cross da da daaa daa."

Bye Bye Dial-Up

And hello fast internet. (cue Hallelujah Chorus) It is quite glorius let me assure you. No longer will I have to go to the library to do such mundane things like check e-mail or update my hours so I can get paid. No longer will I be able to squeeze in several games of Spider Solitare, Mine Sweeper, and Free Cell while I wait for pages to load at home. I simply don't know what to do with myself. Everything happens so fast. Almost too fast. I think I will call up my internet service provider and ask them to slow things down. On second thought... nope.

College football season is over for all intents and purposes. I am saddened by this. OSU didn't have a great season. However, in all the games we lost, we had opportunities to win. It wasn't like we were beat 42-0 or anything like that. It's hard to win when your best receiver was suspended for 10 games, you have a some quarterback confusion in the beginning, and of course injuries (not to mention losing the head football coach (I love you Tressel.)). It is official, Urban Meyer is the new head coach. He's also keeping the interim head coach Luke Fickell on staff. This pleases me because I liked Fickell. Now I know what you are thinking, "Weren't you the one that made vague pedophile references about Meyer and Tebow?" Yes, that was me. After hearing the press conference, it turns out he sounds like a reasonable guy and not the ass-hat football analyst he appeared to be. Interesting times indeed.

Thought of the day: "Anyone who has a picture of Woody Hayes you just know is a good guy."